Ask Steele

a common sense advice column for people

DEAR STEELE: I walked into my dorm room and heard my roommate having sex in the bathroom. I promptly called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to meet me. No sooner had I entered her number than I heard my girlfriend’s ring tone coming from our bathroom. It was her. I clicked off, left the room and stayed at a friend’s for the night. Please tell me, did I do the right thing and what do I do now? — BETRAYED IN CHICAGO

DEAR BETRAYED: I don’t know.

DEAR STEELE: I am shocked at what my young children tell me they have overheard while other “carpool moms” chat on their cell phones as they ferry children back and forth to school. These supposed adults bad-mouth teachers, other parents and even their classmates. In one extreme case, my son had to endure hearing the carpool mom relay the circumstances of his own father’s sudden death! Can you imagine how painful that was?– HANG IT UP IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR HANG IT UP: Why would I know that?

DEAR STEELE: Please warn all those poor trusting souls out there never to give out their passwords — ever! I work in an office with about 20 people, mostly middle-aged women, many of whom are going through divorces. I have noticed a disturbing trend — cyberstalking. Several of the women use passwords provided to them in the past, when the relationships were good, to access personal data. Tell your readers out there to safeguard their passwords. Don’t give them out no matter how much they trust someone. But if they do, when the relationship ends, change each and every one — no matter how inconsequential. — SICK TO MY STOMACH IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SICK: I don’t know what you are talking about.

DEAR STEELE: We had a repairman in our home yesterday who needed to leave to go to the hardware store for a part. My wife told him: “I have to go to pick up my son, so here’s my spare key. Let yourself back in.” Steele, we do not know this man from Adam! He easily could have copied our key — he was going to the hardware store, after all — and returned to burglarize our home, or worse. We have three young children. I realize my wife was in a tough spot. I know I should have more faith in the goodness of humanity, but I feel she put our family at risk. I’m considering having my locks changed. Your thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated. — PROTECTIVE IN DENVER.

DEAR PROTECTIVE: What do I know about that? Why are you asking me?

DEAR STEELE: I know thank-you notes are in order for wedding gifts, graduation presents and special anniversary gifts — but can the practice be overdone? A woman in our group, “Bev,” delights in sending thank-you notes for every little thing. She means well, but it makes the rest of us feel awkward. Example: One day she dropped by as I was preparing a tuna sandwich for lunch, so I offered her one. We ate them on paper plates with a cup of tea. A few days later, a thank-you note arrived, which surprised me. Steele, neither my mother nor I have ever sent or expected thank-you notes for casual visits. We’re a group of older ladies who are just pleased to have friends who gather for lunch on birthdays or help each other out with small favors. We see and talk to each other often. I don’t want to offend Bev and will reply in kind to her, but have told others a simple thank you in person or a phone call will suffice for me. They agree. What do you think? — GOOD FRIENDS IN ARIZONA

DEAR GOOD FRIEND: Wait, are you talking to me? I don’t know.

DEAR STEELE: I taught school for 30 years and used your column many times to foster rich discussions in the classroom. You have always addressed the problems in society squarely, and in doing so, given readers springboards from which to launch dialogues of their own. The recent letter from “Daughter in Troy, N.Y.,” discussing why people should make an effort to visit relatives who can no longer communicate as they once did, really hit home. I am in the “sandwich” generation. I am a grandmother with seven grandchildren, and I have both parents and a former mother-in-law who are in varying forms of dementia. None of us knows how we are going to end up. I feel proud knowing that my children are teaching their children values. How can I encourage others to do the same? — “GRAN” IN OHIO

DEAR “GRAN” IN OHIO: I DO NOT KNOW!

DEAR STEELE: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who is married and has two small children. When she turned 17, she went to Israel and slowly became Orthodox Jewish. She married a guy just like her. My husband and I are Jewish but not religious; however, I accepted her new way of life even though we continue to live our own way of life. My problem is my husband. He says that she went against his wishes, and she should have considered his opinion. He expects me to minimize my visits, saying we are married and should “work as a team.” Steele, religious or not religious, my grandchildren are my life. I will never stop seeing them or loving them. I think my husband needs to hear other people’s views. Would you care to comment? — JANE IN NEW YORK

DEAR JANE IN NEW YORK: No!

DEAR STEELE: I had what I thought was a great marriage to “Grant” for nearly 15 years. Like many women, as I entered my 30s, I became bored and unhappy and, as our marriage suffered, I blamed it all on him. (I mean, wasn’t he supposed to keep me happy?) To make a long story short, I filed for divorce. Grant was shocked. I don’t think he would have ever filed. It devastated our 10-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter.

It has been three years since our divorce became final, and after a series of boyfriends — each more disappointing than the last — I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. Grant has had only two girlfriends since, and he is fairly infatuated with the woman he is seeing now. Our children adore their dad, and I now realize how handsome, how nice, and what a great man Grant really is. I now believe he really is my soul mate. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Can I, or should I even try to win him back? Help me, Steele! — REGRETFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR REGRETFUL: I have nothing to say to this. Why does everyone keep asking me questions?

DEAR STEELE: When I read the letter from “No Doctor’s Playmate,” whose doctor reached into her bra when she consulted him about an ear infection, I couldn’t help but sympathize. The same thing happened to me. My surgeon walked into my hospital room and fondled my breasts when he checked my abdominal incision. When my gastroenterologist came, I told her I wanted him removed from my case and explained why. Steele, she defended him! She said it was probably a routine breast exam. I told her that I’d had more than 30 years’ worth of breast exams, and this was nothing like them. I also told her it was not authorized by me, and he was not my gynecologist. She then had the nerve to imply that I was dreaming or having a drug-induced fantasy. This happened eight years ago. I’m still furious about it. He still has his shingle. So, ladies, if your doctor pulls anything funny — report him! — MAD IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR MAD: Please, leave me alone.

Ask Steele is written by “Steele”, also known as Brian Steele, and was founded by his mother, Pat Steele. He’s heard it is the most popular and widely syndicated column on the internet– known for its uncommon common sense and youthful perspective. He doesn’t understand why.